A couple of decades ago, video games were much more solitary pursuits than they are today. Home console units meant you played by yourself or with a few friends as you passed a controller around or joined forces for a two-player game. Even with the original incarnation of the Xbox, the only way to link a large group of players was with a LAN party in someone's dorm. But thanks to Xbox Live and other online services, you can play with people anywhere in the world. This does, though, have some downsides: some of these people are among the most obnoxious humans you could hope to meet, and their anonymity only makes them bolder. Consider this list a guide to the various players you'll meet online. Forewarned is forearmed.
  1. Kids who can kick your ass: How long have you been doing this? These kids have been doing it longer. Guaranteed. If you're a casual or even mildly devoted gamer, you can't hope to stand up to the kids on Xbox Live who spend hours each day honing their frag skills in eager anticipation of the day a shmuck like you wanders into the server. They're fast, ruthless, and totally unwilling to show you any mercy if it gets in the way of boosting their own player rank. On one hand, they really need to lighten up; these are, after all, just games. On the other, they're like 14, so what else have they got going on?
  2. Guys who spend way too much time doing this: Ah, the borderline shut-in. Some people play games with passion and intensity, and some people make them their entire lives. You will often run into someone on Xbox Live who does this. For these players, games are more important than anything else, and certainly take precedence over any social gathering happening in a real physical location. These players mix the ruthlessness of the devilish kids mentioned above with a kind of smug dismissiveness when dealing with lesser players. (And heaven help the noob that crosses them.) Gaming isn't a hobby for them, but a defining character trait.
  3. Weirdly mean gamers: Some people are just jerks. Period. It doesn't matter how good they are at the game, how long they've been playing, how old they are, where they live, or what type of game they're playing: some people exist just to be abrasive. This means that getting involved in team-based or free-for-all shooting matches on Xbox Live will sooner or later expose you to some bratty, petty players who thrive on taunting total strangers. Whether this behavior is mildly psychotic or just irritating is a matter of debate, but the bottom line is that you cannot win (emotionally, that is) when dealing with these people. You just have to walk away.
  4. Deluded leaders: Playing online means teaming up with random folks to form teams, and that means -- you guessed it -- the emergence of people who think they deserve to be in charge. They hatch elaborate plans, give orders, and run the game with a cold glee that sucks all the fun out of, you know, running around and pretending to shoot people. Theories abound as to what makes these people think they've got what it takes to command: maybe they're athletes used to calling the shots, or maybe they're also-rans who dream of getting people to look up to them but don't know how to make it happen. Whatever the reason, these people are usually fun for a while but get old once they start acting like Patton.
  5. Guys who forget they're on a microphone: A rookie mistake that's all too common: someone forgets that the headset they're using is equipped with a microphone, and that said microphone is capable of transmitting their words across space and time to people elsewhere on the planet. Watch what you say, or you could find yourself mercilessly mocked for your troubles. The problem cuts both ways, too: some players simply never speak into the mic, which can lead to drastic misunderstandings of action and intent in group-based games where every member of the team is required to participate. Never forget.
  6. Vitriolic homophobes: This is a subset of the aforementioned jerks that deserves its own special douchey category. Xbox Live is a way to use the Internet to play games, and the Internet is made of cats, pornography, and the violently hateful. That means that playing games online means inevitably dealing with small-minded, hateful tools who take a decidedly limited view of tolerance and human sexuality. Slurs, bad jokes, insults: it's pretty much all fair game for these players. Again, it's the Internet, and arguing will get you nowhere, so just kill the mic and walk away.
  7. Dads who are trying to multi-task: It's understandable: you're well into adulthood and even have a kid of your own, but you don't want to miss out on a few rounds of Call of Duty online. That's fine. But the rest of us don't really want to listen to one side of a conversation about changing diapers and minor housework. Besides, you're trying to multi-task with a living being, often an infant, who depends on you for everything. It's okay to put the controller down and tend to the needs of your offspring, buddy. No one expects you to power through and keep playing while also trying to help maintain a household. In fact, they want you to do the opposite.
  8. Excitable teens: Teenagers have an almost insane amount of energy, and a lot of them funnel it into video games. They're excitable and hyperactive, constantly bouncing from one game to another and one task to another with little or no ability to just. hold. still. You were once one of them, so don't hold their actions against them. However, just because they're relatable doesn't mean they're not annoying. They're often overly chatty, which can lead to some pretty chaotic gaming experiences, so if you can't handle massive amounts of pointless talk while running and gunning, it's best to log out and find another game.
  9. The gleeful traitor: Some people just want to shoot their friends. Period. There's not much to add, and no real depth to their actions. They just like to shoot anyone and everyone that comes near, regardless of team affiliation or purpose. Like the Joker, they can't be bought or reasoned with. They're just wacky. For them, the point of playing isn't to win, or even to enjoy the game, but to just screw with everyone else. Their alignment is chaotic evil, and they're everywhere. Just so you know.
  10. Genuinely happy people: They're out there, trust me. Some people use Xbox Live to reconnect with friends in other cities and countries, to enhance their gameplay by pitting themselves against the best, and to have a good time helping random strangers form a tightly functioning team. They are non-partisan, even-tempered, and generally well-balanced. The good news: these people are in the majority (it's true!). The bad news: they're not nearly as loud or noticeable as the previous nine personality types, who tend to be domineering. But if you keep your head on straight, you're bound to find others like you. And if not, well, you might as well play dirty.